The Courage To Be Disliked Book Summary By Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

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The Courage to Be Disliked is a book written by Ichiro Kishimi

The Courage To Be Disliked Book

Book Name: The Courage to Be Disliked (How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness)

Author(s): Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

Rating: 4.2/5

Reading Time: 20 Minutes

Categories: Personal Development

Author Bio

Ichiro Kishimi is an expert author on Adlerian psychology.

He's well known in his hometown of Kyoto and has been studying the topic since 1989.

In addition, Ichiro is a psychiatric counselor for troubled young adults and has translated several books by Alfred Adler into Japanese as well as written his own book called Introduction to Adlerian Psychology.

His latest work, The Courage to Be Disliked, which offers insights into building better relationships through understanding and respecting differences between people was released in 2020.

With his knowledge and experience, Ichiro is undoubtedly an authority on the subject of Adlerian psychology.

Exploring Alfred Adler’s Ideas Through A Modern Lens: How We Can Take Control Over Our Lives

Alfred Adler's

In recent years, mental health has become an especially important topic.

Though understanding and acceptance of its nuances is still a work-in-progress, there are many tools available to help individuals cope with the stressors of life.

Alfred Adler’s psychology provides insight into some of these tools and how they can be applied in the modern era.

Through his works, you can learn how to best discipline children who don’t like school, why sometimes it’s better to just enjoy a moment than worry about what success looks like, as well as that your personality isn’t set in stone and have the courage to be liked for who you are.

Adler had it right when he said that we need to take control over the course of our lives.

His ideas provide us with the tools we need to find our way through the stresses of life, no matter where those might come from.

We Should Not Assume That Our Past Experiences Necessarily Determine Our Future Behavior

It’s easy to believe that the past determines the future, but in reality, it’s not always true.

We tend to look at people who have experienced traumatic events and assume that it will shape their behavior forever, which is why we might assume that a recluse across the street was traumatized before he locked himself away.

However, this is an overly-simplified way of looking at life – and wrong.

The truth is that human psychology isn’t necessarily rooted in trauma or our past experiences; we have freedom to change whatever circumstances into which we’re born.

For example, children suffering from abuse have managed to become successful adults because they had the courage to be themselves and transform their life’s trajectory.

Ultimately, we can choose how our past shapes the future – whether it defines us or not.

The reality is that we are always able to change our reasons for action and embrace the freedom we have available to us.

This has been demonstrated by Alfred Adler’s twentieth-century Austrian psychologist who looked at how people’s actions were not predetermined by their past experiences but were free to make other choices with their lives

Adlerian Psychology: People Choose Their Own Moods And Attitudes, But Often Resist Change

It is no secret that the people around us possess different outlooks on life.

Some are pessimistic, some are optimistic and more often than not, we assume these personalities to stay consistent throughout our lives.

Conventional psychology tends to agree with this idea; most of us have certain traits and attitudes towards life which can be difficult to change.

Adlerian psychology, however, offers a different take on the matter by its use of the word “lifestyle”.

It insists that our behaviour is not stationary but instead is determined by how we personally view the world.

This idea suggests that if we don’t like what we see around us, simply changing our outlook may help in turning things around for the better.

Adler also believed that when we reach about 10 years old, this becomes an age where many of us make decisions which will shape how know one another and interact with others – decisions based on past experience can play a huge role here.

What’s daunting about it is that even though much talk comes from those who want their lives to be different, often they refuse to summon the courage required in order to handle such change and improve their current situations.

The social anxiety often experienced due to prolonged unhappiness can result in somebody unwilling to do something as small as networking or even dating!

Despite their grievances with their current lifestyle, there’s a comfort found in familiarity which is hard to shake off.

Ultimately this proves why so many of us continue being resistant in straying away from our formed opinions – it requires both bravery and self-belief in order to step out into the unknown!

Accepting Pain Is Better Than Seeking Shelter From It Through Self-Isolation


The Courage to Be Disliked outlines a common issue many of us face, which is self-hatred based on our perceived imperfections.

This can be an all too familiar thought pattern that carries with it a very strong desire for isolation from others.

In these cases, we try to fix our natural features in order to become more desirable or acceptable.

But this ultimately has the opposite effect and makes us even more anxious as we struggle with social situations and worry that we aren’t good enough.

However, this persistence in believing our own imperfections are the biggest issues needs to end.

The authors illustrate how this negative self-talk can becomes a strategy for pulling away from others and viewing pain and exclusion as inevitable parts of life.

Thinking this way does nothing but create tension and make us look aloof and arrogant when all we’re trying to do is protect ourselves from potential hurt quickly turns into further isolation if we don’t recognize the wrong solution being applied here.

Accepting both joy and pain in life while still remaining open to others is key – that’s the courage required to be disliked that ultimately leads to self-acceptance.

How Freeing Ourselves From Competing With Others Can Bring Us True Freedom

Competitive societies can be incredibly damaging to mental health.

We end up seeing our fellow humans as rivals and enemies, and it can all feel very stressful.

Our anxiety over other people’s opinions can also have a serious toll on us — even something as simple as walking down the street has us paranoid that people are judging us.

But here’s the truth: we don’t have to worry about this kind of judgement in a competitive society.

Most of the time, nobody cares at all about how others perceive them or what they do with their lives.

It’s all too easy to build up these external worries unnecessarily in our heads, but if you recognize that no one is actually judging you, then nothing can hold you back from doing what you want.

Basically, when it comes to dealing with a competitive society, it’s important to remember not to let external worries get in your way of achieving your goals.

Once you recognize that nobody cares about your appearance or life choices more than yourself, then your path forward becomes clear!

Don’T Let The Expectations Of Others Determine Your Choices In Life

Living a life for ourselves and not trying to fulfill the expectations of others is a difficult yet rewarding path.

The Courage to Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga encourages us to take this road.

At school, many of us were taught that it was important to gain recognition and approval from our peers in order for our actions to be valid.

But this kind of dynamic can be quite damaging too as we grow older.

We may find it hard to motivate ourselves without someone else validating our efforts or offering a reward.

Even making seemingly small decisions, like picking up litter around the office, becomes more difficult when you’re constantly seeking approval from others.

We have seen examples of young adults being encouraged into particular professions because they felt they had no other choice but to fulfill the expectations of their families and society at large.

The Courage To Be Disliked reminds us that nothing matters more than feeling fulfilled and embracing what brings us joy.

Therefore, as individuals, it’s important to remember that we don’t have to chase after acknowledgement or validation from others if it doesn’t truly represent our passions or ambitions in life.

It could mean going against societal norms or deviating from familial traditions, but we should feel empowered enough make those choices anyways!

It’s Time To Stop Interfering And Start Supporting: How To Show Genuine Love And Understanding In Relationships


When it comes to helping those we love, many of us tend to meddle and offer too much advice.

We think that by doing so, we can help others make the right decisions in life, which can lead to better outcomes for them.

However, that’s not the case.

Instead of meddling and offering your own opinions on how someone should act or think, it’s best to allow a person their freedom and lend support where appropriate.

Showing understanding and patience is a better way of helping someone than making decisions for them.

For example, when a child is getting bad grades at school and parents want to step in and become stricter thinking they can fix this problem, they are actually going the wrong way about things.

Becoming stricter won’t teach children to love studying; it will only create an atmosphere of obligation and force them into following a routine set by their parents rather than nurture their individual learning journey.

Meanwhile intervening can be seen as an attempt as self-interest instead of concern for the child’s development.

The same sort of logic follows when trying to “help” other adults such as our partners – true help should come from within ourselves with patience and understanding rather than from coercing others into following our own agenda or suggestions.

It’s important that when interacting with people we understand that we cannot completely control another person’s life or decisions but rather look out for how best we can offer support without egoistically pushing our own viewways onto others.

Realizing Our Place In The World: How Adlerian Psychology Helps Us Understand Our Role In A Global Community

Adlerian psychology teaches that we are all part of one big global community.

This means that no matter who you are or where you’re from, you can still find fulfillment in understanding your place in the grand scheme of things.

As soon as this feeling sinks in, it’s impossible to keep thinking of yourself as the center of the universe around which everyone else revolves.

Rather, it’s important to recognize that we are all connected and that our ultimate purpose is to be useful members of the global community.

In order to do this, we must step out from behind ourselves and start looking at how our actions impact others.

It can be tempting to think about what the world can give us instead of what we can give back — but this attitude will only lead to frustration since nobody’s actually that important in the grand scheme of things.

Instead, make sure that your interactions with people always involve some degree of reciprocity and think about how you can contribute positively to the global community.

Stop Self-Obsessing And Learn To Live In Balance For Lasting Happiness

Lasting Happiness

When it comes to achieving happiness, it’s important to make changes in the way we think.

One such change is becoming less self-obsessed.

Self-obsession leads to a loss of perspective and can have detrimental effects on people, such as leading them to become workaholics.

Rather than focusing on themselves and their fears, Adlerian psychology encourages people to become more independent, reduce competition, and think about how they can contribute to the community at large.

By doing so, they will be able to focus less on themselves and find better balance between work and life outside of work.

It is possible for people who have a tendency towards self-obsession to achieve this kind of balance by eliminating the idea that they are an aggrieved victim and striving instead for objectivity when looking at situations or experiences.

They should remember that not everyone may react negatively or with disrespect but rather most are likely overall decent people that gave kindness whenever possible.

Those who stutter in particular can look away from themselves by understanding that often those around them simply aren’t set out with an intention to tease them but that the worry surrounding how they talk is often derived from one encounter which has been extrapolated into a larger picture.

With careful attention, those who suffer from self-obsession can avoid its destructive effects such as making them become workaholics with no thought for personal relationships outside of work.

Wrap Up

The essence of The Courage to Be Disliked is that we all have the power to change and develop ourselves, however difficult it may be.

By understanding and accepting that there may be setbacks and disappointments along the way, we can focus on what truly matters – our contribution towards the greater good of humanity.

To really take action and make use of this life-changing advice, we should embrace living in the moment, indulging in activities without worrying about whether they’ll lead us down a path to success or not.

When our intentions are pure and focused on living through today, success will naturally follow suit.

Arturo Miller

Hi, I am Arturo Miller, the Chief Editor of this blog. I'm a passionate reader, learner and blogger. Motivated by the desire to help others reach their fullest potential, I draw from my own experiences and insights to curate blogs.

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