Getting to Zero Book Summary By Jayson Gaddis

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Getting to Zero (2021) is a book that aims to help readers work through the conflicts in their high-stakes relationships, such as with their family and partners.

It focuses on getting to resolution and closure by using simple yet effective techniques.

The book provides practical advice for dealing with conflict in these important relationships, helping readers reduce tensions, gain clarity on the problem, explore perspective-taking, cultivate empathy, and foster positive communication.

With its easy-to-follow steps and engaging writing style, it's a great resource for anyone looking to work through conflicts with loved ones in an effective way.

Getting to Zero Book

Book Name: Getting to Zero (How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships)

Author(s): Jayson Gaddis

Rating: 4.6/5

Reading Time: 28 Minutes

Categories: Communication Skills

Author Bio

Jayson Gaddis is the expert and brain behind the book "Getting to Zero".

He is an incredibly well-versed individual when it comes to interpersonal conflict and its resolution, which is what this book focuses on.


Gaddis is the founder of The Relationship School, an author and speaker who also hosts the very popular Smart Couple Podcast.

His knowledge on conflict resolution extends beyond books; he has been a featured writer on as well as Huffington Post.

How To Resolve Conflict And Rekindle Connections In Close Relationships

Close Relationships

Do you want to learn how to effectively resolve conflict and get back to a point of connection? Then you’ll want to check out Getting To Zero – a book designed to help readers understand different kinds of conflicts they may face in their close relationships and provide strategies for how those issues can be resolved.

In this book, you’ll learn how to productively listen and speak during Conflict, why five common types of conflicts happen, and how making agreements can help parties move toward resolution.

With the advice contained in these sections, you’ll be well on your way to mastering the skills needed to successfully resolve conflict and get back to zero – that is, be at a point where the conflict is resolved and have the level of connection you desire.

And if things are more serious than just a disagreement between parties – such as in cases of trauma or abuse – please seek specialised expert advice.

Identifying How Triggered Feelings Of Closeness Or Distance Lead To Conflict And What We Can Do About It

When it comes to relationships, conflict commonly arises when one party feels threatened by either too much closeness or too much distance.

If someone gets too close to you, it can feel like an act of aggression, especially if they’re angry or their body language suggests they’re bigger than they actually are.

Too much distance can leave you feeling abandoned and worried your partner doesn’t care about you.

This can occur when the other person goes silent, abruptly leaves a conversation, cuts you off mid-sentence, or stops answering calls or messages.

It’s natural for feelings of fear or insecurity to surface in moments where closeness and distance feel extremely unequal – but remaining triggered over an extended period can have long-term detrimental effects on mental and physical health.

The key is identifying what coping mechanisms come into play so that these feelings aren’t used as unsolvable roadblocks.

Common forms of disconnectors include attacking/blaming (posturing), imploding (collapsing), seeking reassurance from others (seeking) and moving away from the situation (avoiding).

Getting To Zero: How Talking Through Your Issues In A Conflict Box Can Help Resolve Unresolved Issues

Conflict resolution starts with identifying someone with whom you want to “get to zero.” That means shifting the relationship between you and the other person away from a confrontational or hostile one and towards a more peaceful, cooperative dynamic.

The first step towards doing that is getting some context in order – understanding exactly what it is you have been dealing with.

Natures Nutrition recommends creating something called a conflict box, which is essentially like a document outlining your relationship with this person in detail.

You start by writing up the name of the person and then go on to break down the situation further – right up to how long this conflict has been going on for.

Then comes an important bit about taking responsibility for any part you played in it and owning those actions.

It’s indeed essential to view ourselves objectively without any self-blame so that we can form healthier relationships with other people.

Creating this conflict box helps give clarity about conflicts, helping us take ownership and resolve conflicts quicker.

It’s also helpful for reflecting when seeking peace among each other!

How Understanding Your Relational Blueprint Can Help You Become The Master Of Your Own Destiny

Relational Blueprint

Our childhood experiences play a crucial role in shaping who we are and how we approach our high-stakes relationships.

Our relationships with the primary caregivers in our lives, such as our parents or other family members, have a tremendous influence on us.

These primary relationships provide us with a stable base for adulthood and affect our ability to relate to others in healthy ways.

If we had secure attachment relationships, we would feel supported and challenged, safe, seen, and soothed – all essential needs that were met while we were growing up.

This gives us the confidence to work through conflicts in high-stakes relationships during adulthood.

However, if the relationship with a primary caregiver was too distant or too close, it can lead to an insecure attachment style which can cause you to shut down emotionally and feel disconnected from life.

As adults, this can often manifest itself in difficulty resolving conflicts because you’re unable to process them correctly due to your past experiences.

Therefore, it’s important to understand your personal relational blueprint if you want to be able to get through conflict properly when dealing with high-stakes relationships – either friend or romantic ones – so that you can reach zero again (the state of connection).

Only then will you become master of your own relational destiny!

Option C: The Key To Resolving Conflict And Embracing Your True Self

Cheryl Richardson, self-care expert and author stated that “if you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.” Playing nice and avoiding conflict is often done in order to maintain harmony with those around us.

However, the price of this avoidance is steep – when we fail to express our true selves and repress our honest reactions, we ultimately create more inner conflict than what would have been caused simply by facing the original challenge.

When trying to resolve conflicts, there are only two tools available: A) dive in and confront the issue head on or B) avoid it entirely.

The problem with Option B might seem appealing at first because it takes care of the initial challenge but can escalate into something far worse and often results in an even larger rift between yourself and those you care about.

This is known as “conflict creep”.

In order to properly deal with conflicts, one must identify those feelings they are allowing to remain suppressed by choosing Option B – such as hurt and anxiousness – so that one can decide if engaging honestly is worth it.

Conflict resolution involves learning how to express oneself truthfully without causing unnecessary disruption in your relationship with others.

Only then can we arrive at Option A – honesty – that allows ourselves to be authentic while maintaining connection with those we love.

How To Increase Your Emotional Discomfort Threshold And Resolve Relationship Conflict

When it comes to resolving conflict, understanding how you work through your own discomfort and responding in a way that allows the other person to do the same are the keys.

Relationships fail when people struggle to deal with their own reactions or those of the person they’re in conflict with.

So understanding your emotions and being able to sit with them is essential if you want successful coupling.

Natures Nutrition‘s Getting TO Zero Book Summary covers this concept by introducing NESTR meditation – Number, Emotion, Sensations, Thinking, and Resourced.

It helps people increase their ability to live with their own discomforts and stresses by allowing them to identify their emotions on a scale of zero to ten and by providing physical sensations that bring them back into balance.

By continually offering four relational needs — support and challenge, safety, being seen, and soothing — while you’re in conflict can also help ensure continuing resolution.

The goal is for both parties involved to return to “zero” – a state where both are content and open-minded – which will allow continued growth in relationships moving forward.

Using Lufu To Understand Others In Conflict: 8 Steps For Listening Until They Feel Understood

Feel Understood

When it comes to conflict, one of the most important things you can do is to listen until the other person feels understood.

This doesn’t mean they have to agree with you, but rather that they feel heard and acknowledged.

Natures Nutrition’s book “Getting to Zero” talks about a tool called LUFU (Listen Until They Feel Understood), which has eight steps to help ensure this happens.

The first step is being curious about what the other person is saying, and how they’re saying it.

You then practice reflective listening, which means repeating or reflecting on their words.

Third, you need to confirm that you understand what they said by using same-page questions.

After that, active listening becomes important; this means pressing pause so that you can really digest what was said.

Next up is empathizing: put yourself in the other person’s shoes and honestly consider how your contribution might have impacted them.

The sixth step is validating what the other person said – three words will suffice for this purpose: “That makes sense”.

Step seven involves owning up to your own contribution in the matter without explanation or justification – just listen until you understand where the other person is coming from.

The final step is confirming with them if they feel like they have been heard, if not, keep going back through all eight steps!

How To Use The Lufu And Shore Techniques To Get Closer To Zero In Communication

Getting to zero is all about understanding conflict resolution through empathy.

To be able to effectively understand and resolve conflicts, it’s essential to have an empathetic approach.

LUFU and SHORE are techniques which can help you with this process.

Both techniques involve 8 steps that evoke empathy and help to achieve a resolution.

These steps encourage you to be aware of your surroundings, own your part in the conflict, empathize with the other person, validate their experience, share the impact on you (using “I feel” statements), make a behavior change request, learn from the conflict and collaborate on how you both move forward.

So no matter what, when faced with conflict it’s important to remember that getting to zero requires true empathy between both parties involved.

How To Move Past Conflict And Understand The Five Common Scenarios In Interpersonal Relationships

Understanding and resolving conflict is key to any long-term relationship.

While there are many different reasons why conflicts may arise, most of them can be broken down into five common scenarios – surface fights, childhood projections, security fights, value differences, and resentments.

Having an in-depth understanding of these common conflicts can make it much easier to find a mutually beneficial resolution.

Starting with surface fights, these are typically over superficial things like how you stack the dishwasher or not returning messages.

Be aware that there could be something else underlying the conflict, so identifying what it is about can be crucial for finding a resolution.

Next there are childhood projections which happen when you take a negative or positive past experience and project it onto someone else in the present day.

When this occurs its important not only to identify the projection but also to acknowledge it openly with your partner by saying something like “Sometimes I feel I am projecting my past experiences onto you”.

You may also encounter security fights – for example if either person is feeling insecure because they are financially dependent on the other or if sex and money become topics that trigger uncomfortable feelings in either party then it becomes necessary to both commit fully to clearing out those issues before progressing further with the relationship.

Value differences occur when partners have conflicting values surrounding things such as monogamy or religion but talking through each partner’s core values while being open to change or compromise can help two parties come up with mutually satisfactory solutions.

Finally resentments can occur when one person tries to change the other; if expectations are set clearly beforehand then both parties will be able to negotiate better outcomes that suit everyone’s needs and desires.

Overall getting clear on how these five most common conflicts manifest themselves helps us understand them better so we can find positive resolutions that help strengthen our relationships going forward!

Taking Responsibility And Making Agreements: Keys To Resolving Conflict And Reconnecting With Others

Making Agreements

When dealing with conflict and the road to reconciliation, there are certain barriers that can prevent us from being able to reconnect with one another.

These include attributing blame or taking on too much responsibility for issues that aren’t yours.

Furthermore, hasty apologies can lack empathy and understanding as well.

Fortunately, these issues do not need to be a dead end in the pursuit of reconciliation.

Making agreements between both parties is an effective method of countering such issues and negotiating beneficial outcomes.

Such agreements are essential to protect both parties in cases where things become high-stakes or contested, like business partnerships or divorces.

Additionally, it is valuable to create clear agreements so that neither party needs to guess about what was said previously.

By doing this and by owning your part of any future conflicts, you can pave the way for much smoother pathways towards finding compromise in any dispute.

Wrap Up

The final takeaway from Getting to Zero is that when you find yourself in the midst of a conflict with someone who’s important to you, getting to zero can help you reconcile faster.

Make sure you listen and understand their point of view, and yours too!

You should use NESTR mediation to manage your own emotions, recognize any roadblocks that arise along the way, and make agreements that work for both of you.

If all else fails or if it seems like no progress is being made, don’t be afraid to seek help from a couples therapist – just make sure both parties are on board first!

With some patience, support and understanding between both parties, everyone can get back on track and reach zero much sooner.

Arturo Miller

Hi, I am Arturo Miller, the Chief Editor of this blog. I'm a passionate reader, learner and blogger. Motivated by the desire to help others reach their fullest potential, I draw from my own experiences and insights to curate blogs.

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