Key Messages
How To Mend A Broken Family Relationship: Keys To Successful Reconciliation
If you’re looking for ways to transform your family relationships, Fault Lines: Late-Stage Family Estrangements and How to Reconcile is the perfect book for you.
Author Karl Pillemer has conducted extensive research into the phenomenon of family estrangement and found strategies that can be used for reconciliation.
He interviewed hundreds of people across America who were estranged from their families.
From that research, he learned some key lessons such as why you should never wait for an apology before reconciling, how to rewrite the narrative of your relationship, and why estrangement can have a powerful emotional impact.
It’s no secret that family relationships come with challenges, but this book provides hope that second chances are always possible when it comes to repairing them.
Transform your family relationships today by following the advice in Fault Lines.
Six Common Pathways Lead To Family Estrangement
Family estrangement is a difficult and often painful process that can occur for many reasons.
Recent research shows that there are six common pathways to estrangement in families, each of which can lead to a breakdown in communication and connection.
First, traumatic events from childhood can be a major instigator of estrangement.
Parents who have been neglectful or shown favoritism toward one child could cause them to eventually become estranged.
Second, divorce can put family members in the middle of two-sided conflict and lead to estrangement from one parent.
Third, differences between in-laws, such as new sons-in-law not getting along with the rest of the family, can be an instigator too.
Fourth, conflicts over money and inheritance between siblings can easily lead to estrangement — even if things are divided equally among them.
Fifth, unmet expectations from parents on their children could lead to fights that trigger this stressful process of family breakups.
Lastly, having divergent values (such as religion or politics) compared to other family members has also been known to instigate separation due to ideological differences.
The fact remains: six common pathways lead to family estrangement — and it’s important to recognize these causes so that we can all make better decisions when faced with tough situations involving our loved ones.
The Devastating Impact Of Family Estrangements
Family estrangements can have a devastating impact on not just the two people directly involved, but everyone connected to them.
From seemingly trivial arguments that get out of hand to deeply rooted issues, family estrangements can leave the whole family fractured and disconnected.
People may initially think that such personal disputes won’t have any effect on those around them, but it quickly becomes clear that this is often not the case.
From siblings forced to choose sides to grandparents who suddenly cannot see their grandchildren, estranged relationships can cause long-term damage for all members of the family.
Not only does an estrangement cause untold grief for both parties involved in the dispute, but it can also trigger intense depression and anxiety in them as well.
It is understandable why someone would question their own self worth if a person they’re supposed to trust doesn’t want to have a relationship with them anymore.
Estrangements are also harder to move on from than when someone dies; there is always a possibility for reconciliation or for negative feelings between parties to resurface due to continual misunderstandings and communication breakdowns – something which can quickly exacerbate an already difficult situation.
The Power Of Reconciliation – Why You Should Make An Effort To Heal Broken Relationships
Cliff knew that his estrangement from his younger brother didn’t have to be permanent.
After eight years of no contact, he decided to call him out of the blue, and Harry responded with warmness.
Now they are back in touch, rebuilding a fractured relationship.
This story proves that estrangement does not necessarily have to be permanent.
It is possible to reconcile even after a long period apart.
One key advice when it comes to reconciling is this: do it for yourself and not just for altruistic reasons.
Reconciling can bring with it peace of mind -it can lift off a big burden off your shoulders- and help you avoid future regrets.
It also allows you to reconnect with beloved family members that may have been lost because of an earlier dispute.
Plus, being part of the family network means having access to important resources–such as help with childcare or elder care–known as social capital which will benefit everyone in the end.
Therefore, if you find yourself distant from a loved one for any reason, take steps towards reconciliation for those selfish and altruistic reasons we mentioned above -you won’t regret it!
Reconciliation Begins By Letting Go Of Your Story Of Events
Letting go of your story when it comes to an unresolved conflict is the best way to start moving towards reconciliation.
We often become so attached to our version of what happened that we forget there may be another side to the story.
Rather than just fixating on the details of the fight, we need to try and analyze the conflict more deeply in order to understand why it happened in the first place.
Susie was a prime example of this.
When she refused to drive her son Rafael into town, he packed his bags and left their house in anger – leading them down a path of estrangement.
Susie felt wronged by her son’s behaviour which she thought came out of nowhere; however, when she looked closer at their relationship she realised that her overProtective mothering was partly responsible for what had happened.
By letting go of her version of events, Susie was able to take responsibility for her role in their feud and approach things differently with Rafael.
Although it can feel scary and vulnerable – especially when we realise that maybe we aren’t always right – it arms us with knowledge about what caused the estrangement in the first place and puts us one step closer to finding peace again.
The Key To Reconciliation With Family Members Is Letting Go Of The Past And Building A Shared Future Together
Reconciliation doesn’t mean that someone has to deny the hurt caused by their family.
Instead, it’s about learning to accept that there may never be total agreement on how the past unfolded.
In this way, one of the most important aspects of reconciliation is to let go of the need for agreement about past events and instead focus on creating a shared future together.
For some, this can come in the form of enjoying a common activity such as weaving or playing slot machines.
Doing so helps create new common ground and allows relationships to move forward in a positive direction without feeling like either person has to deny their own version of events.
Similarly, taking part in activities together can also provide an environment where deeper conversations about the past can take place in a safe manner and facilitate apologies long-awaited by both parties involved.
Adjusting Our Expectations Of Family Members Can Strengthen Bonds And Prevent Estrangement
No matter how we might wish, our families aren’t all picture-perfect like the ones we see on TV.
In reality, families are often complex and it’s natural to have expectations of how they should function – however, that doesn’t always match up with what actually happens.
To save these precious relationships, it’s important to adjust our expectations and accept family members for who they are.
This is something that Dina learned as she reconciled with her brother after a traumatic event had driven them apart.
She was so hurt when he refused to help take care of their ill mother that she backed away completely for a year before reconsidering – instead of estrangement, she decided to set realistic boundaries in the relationship and accept him for who he was.
Furthermore, whilst there should be no excuse for any form of abuse or demeaning behavior, many family disputes don’t involve these – often it’s just a clash between personal values that can be resolved given time and understanding from both sides.
For example, after one family felt rejected when their son asked them to stay in a hotel instead of with him when his child was born, they managed to reexamine their assumptions and patch things up between them.
Hence, if you want your relationships with family members to endure through thick and thin then you need to learn to adjust your expectations and accept them as they are – beyond what we see on TV screens!
Setting Boundaries Is Essential For Successful Reconciliation With Abusive Family Members
In order for a reconciliation between two people to be successful, it is necessary to establish clear boundaries.
This is especially true of family relationships which are more complex than simple friendships and can involve more history and hurt feelings.
Setting boundaries means clarifying the least a person is willing to accept from the relationship and then communicating it clearly with their family members involved.
For example, if one’s parent has been verbally abusive in the past, they should make it known that they will not tolerate verbal abuse or outbursts or else the reconciliation may have to end abruptly.
A good therapist can help develop strong boundaries as well as provide support during negotiations of reconciliation.
It’s important to remember that goals of reconciliation don’t necessarily have to be close-knit familial relationships in order for them to be successful.
Instead creating a relationship based on civility can still demonstrate love even when such a close bond isn’t achievable.
Sanjay found success in this approach with reestablishing his connection with his father by setting clear boundaries around his Father’s conduct.
In doing so he was able to create a relationship were he felt emotionally safe by refusing engagement when those limits were crossed and just leaving the room calmly when necessary.
Embrace The Possibility Of Reconciliation And Take Control Of Your Relationships
Reconciliation can be a complicated journey, but it is ultimately one that you must walk alone.
No one else can decide when the right time is for you to reach out and mend past conflicts with your estranged family member.
Sometimes a lightbulb moment will provide the sudden impetus to pursue reconciliation; just like how Arlen was inspired by the Christmas mass and decided to contact his brother right away.
Other times, this decision may involve more contemplation – evaluating the relationship and most importantly, gauging whether or not you are ready to allow another individual back into your life.
There is no wrong answer here, just know that if you make the choice to reach out and reconnect, it will come from your heart and not anyone else’s.
And remember – regardless of what happens when going through the process of reconciling – at least know that by making an attempt to repair something broken, you have done your due diligence and given it your best shot.
With that being said, it does help to think about a plan of action beforehand: What kind of renewed relationship would you like to build? How should you initiate contact? Do not hesitate to seek guidance from close friends or therapists who can offer insight during this challenging yet rewarding journey towards reconciliation.
Wrap Up
Fault Lines by Anna Freemantle is an important and thought-provoking book that summaries the effects of family estrangement.
Family conflicts often have devastating consequences for your psychological wellbeing, but if you’re willing to let go of the past, the reconciliation process can lead to a new relationship.
The key takeaway from these sections is that it’s essential to act quickly and reach out as soon as possible after a dispute arises in order to avoid irrecoverable estrangements – the longer you wait to make contact, the more entrenched everyone becomes in their individual views and takes on a situation.
To end on a positive note, Fault Lines serves as an important reminder that any type of family rift can be cured and solved.
Ultimately, the best way to move forward is with firm boundaries and clear expectations.
